I have never really been able to take an opportunity to step back from everything while I am still in it. My brain right now is just going nuts with guilt, conffusion, love, frustration, and a bunch of other emotions that I am not sure about. I think I understand to some extent where my parents come from. I mean, I have an anger outburst at jeremy, my old roomate. I almost get some serious punishment from that. I told my mom the situation and she seemed to support me. However, she was really dissapointed in me somehow.
It seems that all my negative actions that I perform are always really stupid. I mean, I look back and hindesight is 20/20. "well fuck, why didn't I just give her the book then we didn't have to go down this road," or," Whatever, these little roomate issues aren't worth it." There tons of shit that I would go back and clean up. I can't expect for people to point out the right decisions for me but, I would really hope that if I am in a point of quandry that I feel like the people I love the most can point me towards the better decision.
So what are all the bad things I have done? Let me see if I can remember...
Jeremy for one. I could have treated him so much better. It really sucks that we had this stupid power struggle thing going on. It seemed like we argued over everything: Windows, lights, music, quiet times, guests, decorations. Everything between he and I seemed like a battle. Looking back as i always do I can point blame to myself. The thing about living with a roomate is that everything must be a compromise. EVERYTHING. In reality, it is your roomates space as much as it is yours. The school has it set up kinda fullproof. Number one priority for your roomate is that your room is a play for sleep and study. If your roomate is sleeping or studying, be courteous and don't make allot of noise. I was infomous for this. I would listen to my iPod loudly before bed and in the morning I always listened to my radio shows. I even did this to Nila. Studying was also an issue. For the most part, issues we had revolved around those rules. He tried to get his way allot and so did I. He would listen to his japanese pop music and leave the TV on and blow dry his hair and have late night study sessions while I was trying to sleep or study myself. Basically, it was my fault for not communicating most of the issues we had. He is also to blame for not really listening either.
Amy. Very shitty on my part. I gave people a reason to think less of me. I mean, a few months into that relationship I remember telling my cousin that Amy had been such a winey little girl. She was a perfectionist. She got straight As in all her classes, was swim team captain, valadictorian, christain, and she drove stick. If all of that doesn't show you that she is amazing but rediculously uptight, I don't know what to tell you. When I began dating her it was last summer. I was taking some college courses to get my HS diploma and I was trying to make myself feel better because I had gotten out of a 10 month relationship that April. Of course, the emo kid I am eventually stopped and I told myself, "my days as a 'high schooler' are numbered and I am probably never going to come back really. Why not have fun and just date girls socially" So I got to know one girl who turned out to be really cute but she had too much emotional baggage. Amy, whom I had met the summer before during a summer camp where I was crazy flirting with her, seemed really cool and very much past the point of hating me for the previous summer. We got together, had lunch and whatnot, I even took a weekend from school to go visit just her and not my parents. It was kinda rebelious. Anyway, like I said, her uptightedness was getting to me and I really couldn't stand it anymore. So instead of telling her and ending it there, I went to college and would get drunk occasionally and have a good time. I made out with a couple of girls and I even slept with another girl when I was with Amy. That's how I met Nila but, we aren't really talking about her right now. Point is, regardless of what she meant to me or whatever, no one deserves to be treated how i treated her. Given the choice, I would go back to December and dump her, relax, go to mardi gras, and meet Nila.
I think I should appologize to my parents too. This last year, I have been giving them allot of shit. I remember comign home o visit and blatantly telling them that, "this doesn't feel like home." I just said it. Like that. Blunt and in their face. They got mad at that and telling me how much I don't appreciate what they do for me as a dependant person. it's true, i'm fucking dependant and until I am completely independant, I really can't make all the choices I want. This is a big piece of what has been driving my parents this summer. However, they have some stuff to own up to as well. There should never be a point where I feel like I am not at home. When I come to my parent's house I should feel like I am welcomed and appreciated. School is stressful enough. Why should home drama add up to school drama. It's not good mojo.
Next little item I can think of is my escape to Stockton. Here's what happened. I wanted to go up to stockton to see Nila for the mostpart. I am setting aside the goal for productivity for now. I had told my mom I was planning on going to stockton in a week or so. She looked at me and asked why I wanted to go. I told her that I wanted to see Nila and I want to do some job hunting up there. She talked to me and in the end the best reason that she came up with was that "she didn't feel right about it." After getting the big goose egg i called Nila up and told her the bad news. I remember you getting upset and I didn't know what to do. We eventually came up with a plan to get me out of here for a while. It was totally sneaky. Nila and her roomate came down and stepped inside to say hi. My parents chatted with them and I got my stuff in the car. The air was super awkward. We knew what was going to happen but they were oblivious for the most part. So after our first impressions were over with, we got in the car and went to the boardwalk instead of the aquarium. After the boardwalk we headed straight for Stockton. When I was 10 minutes from stockton I texted my brother saying "BTW, I am in Stockton." It was a rediculously cowardly thing to do but I did it. So we arrived and for the most part, the stay was fine. The only things bad about it were that Suzy is a bitch and my parents were sending not so happy messages my way. Other than that, I applied at jobs, had fun with Nila, relaxed, and got to make some new friends. The going back was surreal. The car ride was silent and there were no real punishments presented. So here is the analysis and correction of it all.
Looking back, I would have chickened out. I would have told Nila, this isn't a good idea. As a result of that trip, My parents faith and trust in Nila and I has diminished. Would it have been so bad to just say, "look, we can take more time to talk to them and I will keep trying to get up there." Would they have been more reasonable? Maybe but, we can't go that route because that exit was already passed.
To sum up the rest of the summer...
-I got in a car crash when I was rushing home because I was running late. I had to be back from stockton by a close approximization of 10pm.
+I should have just relaxed and accepted the fact that I was going to be late
*Parents shouldn't have been so insistant that I hurry home
-I brought Nila over and my parents weren't thrilled.
+I should have called that one off too. It didn't help at all.
*During her stay, my mom didn't do anything to make Nila feel welcome. She didn't say a word
-I got into a fight with my mom
+It was stupid and childish. I could've just done what she had asked and all would be good.
*My mom shouldn't have taken my stuff. IDK I have issues with people taking my things.
-I started a confrontation with my parents demanding that I could just go to stockton.
+I probably wasn't in a very good position to get anything by this point. I really don't know what I could have done.
*My parents shouldn't have belittled me.
So that was all the bad, how I could have fixed it, and what the other parties controbution to it was.
There is one last thing i want to look at.
It's Nila...
There is only one thing I have with her that seems to frustrate me and I have other evidence that I will disclose later that keeps me hooked to her.
The thing that frustrates me Nila is that no matter how much I say I miss you, I love you, or anything really, It is a matter of days before you are chomping at teh bit to see me again. It is crazy flattering, really. I have never been with someone who needed me this much. I like it. It brings out my co-dependant side. You telling me you want me to see you at any costs MAKES ME WANT TO SEE YOU AT ANY COST. That's the frustration though. All the time I hear that you are just dead without me and how I need to be there. You keep telling me, "just leave," and the reality of it is that I can't. As long as I am dependant on others, it doesn't matter who it is, I have to honor boundries they set in front of me. The decision to head up on saturday the 11th is still theirs. I told them that I have a job that is asking for me but ultimately, the decision to head up there is theirs. Worst comes to worst, I will buy a cheap bus ticket and head up for a little bit and head back down where I wait for my move out date. I wanted to bring some of your LJ entries to your attention.
This was from the day you gave me that ultimatum:
"Chris' mom wants this to end. I might let her win. I know that by me leaving nothing will change in his life, she won't grow a heart and be nice again (if she ever was) but at least life will return to the calm it was before the storm. I've given him an ultimatum and I hate that I had to. Whilst I can respect him wanting to go about things the right, proper, and legal way in his life, in the end if he is still turned away, then I feel it's time for him to step up and improvise. Because from my standpoint, I am not asking too much. I am not asking him to break the law, steal, kill, lie, etc. I am asking him to be with me, if for only one day as I've come to accept, because I love him. If she turns him down by Saturday and says no then his actions following will tell me whether or not this is a relationship I need to spend a lifetime on. I can't bear the constant letdowns and broken promises and in 5 weeks I'll be far too bitter to forgive you, I'm afraid.
Using our relationship as an ultimatum is not fair. It's true what you are saying here though, You aren't asking me to break the law, but you are asking me to break what little respect my parents have for me. Of course, it would repair itself over time but, a family shouldn't have to go through that.
Maybe it is an idle threat. I don't want to leave him. I love him so much. I want to marry him, bear his children, grow old together. But if I'll never be able the risk then it's not worth it to me to be only second. I wish we could co-exist, I want to. I know his dad wants that too in some way.
Here is a paragraph that I love. It is showing the thoughts inside. You really really love me. You don't want to lose me. Fact of the matter is, i don't want to lose you either. I want to marry you, bear children with you, and grow old and die with you, but if you let a little thing like my parents get inside our relationship and effect what we do with it, we are done. Summer is almost over and I know that you said, "it is the principle of the thing," I know. I've heard it all summer. Focus on these words, I don't want to leave him. I love him so much. I want to marry him, bear his children, grow old together. Those are the words that matter to use. Those are the words we need to hold on to.And since I know Chris is not perceptive in this matter, I am going to spell it out because I want him to get it right, I want us to stay together. If by Saturday she still says no, after begging and pleading and bargaining and all other sorts of words under the sun relating to negotiations have failed, then it's time for him to decide. Does he really want to lose me to appease them? Namely her? She'll never be happy, you staying will not make her nicer to you. You leaving won't make her any more angry or cold than she already is. So you have to decide. Will you just up and leave, break a rule and come be with me for a couple of days or a day just to prove to me that I'm worth it, or will you sit on your hands and cry at a love lost that shouldn't have been?"
You are not my #2 Nila. You are my number one. I shouldn't have to prove my love for you. Do you not already know that I love you? Have I not shown you that you are amazingly imprtant to me? We are a team. As such, I have to look out for more than just you because, if I fail and something happens; there is no more team.
As far as what you said at the end. I am trying to get up there. I shouldn't break my parent's respect though.
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I'm putting my relationship on hold. There, I said it. It's put me on hold for far too long. I understand it's a risk but it's a risk I'm willing to take at this point to save myself. Still not going to eat, just having issues with appetite and food but I will at least be able to pretend I'm a happy girl and not walk around with a huge chunk missing out of my body all the time. It just drags me down. I drag him down. We're better off not talking until further notice.
I do love you. I'm sorry.,
Nila, we dont' ever have to put anything on hold. You keep saying that we don't have a relationship. Does me not physically being there mean that we don't have a relatipnship? Does that mean that you see our relationship as a purely physical one? If anything I would be counting down the days until my arrival and when it does come, we can thrive again. Oh and BTW you should totally eat food. You are not fat. It's dumb to think you are. So stop it. Oh and not talking won't help anything. I love you too.
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I guess when it comes down to it, I can understand her initial dislike for me but it really just all around sucks. She can forgive her son for his part in it but will forever crucify the girlfriend until I am utterly driven away, which I fear will be the case in our realtionship and that sucks. I mean, I feel like for the first time in my life and I truly happy and in love with someone and as always, there has to be a catch. Some fundamental flaw that will ultimately be its' downfall.
I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to grow the balls needed to apologize, another just wants me to accept it and end things now but overall I just stick around and keep hoping she'll come to her senses and realize I'm not a menace to her son. I really love him and want the best for him, when it comes down to it, her and I are on the same team yet she fails to realize it. Oh well, I guess tons of couples go through it. Some of them make it, some of them don't. It's obviously common enough because they were able to create several very successful movies using this type of genre.
As hard as it may be, an appology could change some minds. You really haven't ever had an opportunity to speak for yourself. This would be the best outlet. Remember though, I am not off the hook really. I am just as guilty as you are. You don't have to take all the blame.
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about 25 minutes South of the homeland, Salinas, CA (although when driving with Chris, Gonzales is more like an hour from Salinas). Anyway, yesterday and the night before were relatively bad nights for the both of us but upon seeing each other we have managed to salvage the happiness we bring each other and make the best of the crap that's flying around.
I don't know if I'm at liberty to say all that's going down in the Lopez household but suffice it to say things aren't as good as they could be. I'm here for him whenever he needs me. Even though I leave tomorrow the time I'm spending here is so much better than it could be if I were back in Stockton alone or with someone other than him. His little brother, Zach, is SO cute! I really like spending time with him.
Just wanted to make a quick update. Chris is making me help him with dinner. Aw, I love a man that can cook because lord knows I can't! Just know, I love you so, so much Chris and I'll be here for you whenever you need me, okay?
After I leave, we'll see each other soon, school is only a month away! I'm feeling positive about our future, it'll all work out, ok? TEAM LOPEZ, GO!!!
Even after al the super shittyness that happened that day you still saw through it all. Even towards the end you saw past the storm clouds and rejoiced. It's entries like this that help remind me and assure me that everything will be just fine once we are together.
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Friday the 13th, eh? Oh the superstitious Southern mother which I resided with for the better half of my life has got me in a paranoia again. Things are just never good on or around these days. Everything is twisted. I only say this half-hearted-ly mind you but today, er...yesterday, wasn't a good one all the same.
It started out crappy but took a turn for the better. Chris surprised me and showed up at my door. I was slow to warm up to him, much like the cat I am, but our time together was a good time. As soon as he left though, the storm clouds of drama made their way in in the form of one, Trista and a car accident.
It was just a bad ending to a good day. There are more good days to come though.
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I just get scared. I miss Chris so much. I can feel it a lot of times. The emotion, it's readily available. Since he's been gone though, I've been coping. I don't feel anything at the present moment and it scares me. I want that to be temporary. I want to feel something when I think of him. I am so afraid of myself dettaching I psych myself out when I think it is. So all I have to say is, nothing will change. Everything will stay the same. I still want Chris as much as I ever have, which as far as I know, is an awful fucking lot. So just do me a favor Chris and get here soon. For my sake. For your sake. And Nila, keep neigh-sayers and the doubtful out of your life for the time being and hold on to that spark that is there. That love you have for Chris. Though you don't feel any pain right now doesn't mean you are devoid of emotion for him. It's not gone forever. You are just confused. You are just tired.
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a realization?
I just feel super spoiled. I lived with him for 2 months non-stop and have been talking to him at least once a day. As if the distance wasn't enough, 12 days of total silence is going to prove to be hard. I am nervous or more so anxious but I believe most of the stress is from the issues of jobs, money, and moving and not as much as it is about Chris and I.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When I first met you...
We've already established you had the upper hand since I first picked you out of the crowd before you did me. Nonetheless, I thought you were really sexy and intimidating. I thought you were loads more egotistical and jockish than you were in actuality. I thought of you as a heartless player with a big ego.
Then, as I came to know you better, I realized you are one of the sweetest people I've ever met and counted amongst the nerdiest. You have a fascination with shotgunning anything you can chew and are liable to piss yourself from laughing when I tickle you. You have an affinity towards nudism and enjoy your pimps as much as I enjoy popping them off your back post-coital. Your humor is sometimes so remote it's not even funny to me (and that's hard to accomplish). You're a bit aloof but I've come to realize that as an integral part of your nature as much as your inability to give up is. You are patient and understanding and most of all, you possess the ability to be wise beyond your years when I need a swift kick in the ass.
I'm glad I know you, you are like a super horny Saxophone that used to cheat on people all the time and now wants to be played by one, stupid girl that dances on rare occasions after several rounds of alcohol. You're my best friend, boyfriend and I love you. Thanks, really.
ENCORE!!!
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Eres
Eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres,
mi pensamiento mas profundo, también eres,
tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes.
Eres cuando despierto lo primero, eso eres,
lo que a mi vida le hace falta si no vienes,
lo único, preciosa, que mi mente habita hoy.
Qué mas puedo decirte, tal vez puedo mentirte sin razón,
pero lo que hoy siento es que sin ti estoy muerto,
pues eres lo que mas quiero en este mundo, eso eres.
Eres el tiempo que comparto, eso eres,
lo que la gente promete cuando se quiere
mi salvación, mi esperanza y mi fe.
Soy el que quererte quiere como nadie soy,
el que te llevaría el sustento día a día, día a día,
el que por ti daría la vida, ese soy.
Aquí estoy a tu lado y espero aquí sentado hasta el final.
No te has imaginado lo que por ti he esperado
pues eres lo que yo amo en este mundo, eso eres,
cada minuto en lo que pienso, eso eres,
lo que más cuido en este mundo, eso eres.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Also, I completely understand and respect the situation you are in with your family though I may whine from time to time. They are your family, I know that and you love them unconditionally as they do you. I don't know what I said over the phone that might have made you write about that subject or if it was just something on your mind that you felt the need to vent. Either way, just know that I do understand you because I feel the SAME way about my family. I love them so much and I know they are there for me regardless. I guess that's one thing I love a lot about dating you. You are the first guy I've dated to truly love and respect his family as much as I do, no underlying hatred, dettachment or overall disregard for your parents, you truly care about them and it says a lot about your character as a person. My parents said the exact same thing when they met you. They felt you were a stable person because you came from a good background and not some broken home, we can understand each other in that respect, you know?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ok, that was a fucking long entry. I say I should just write a Novel. I feel ok about this entry. I just hope you see the message that I am trying to paint for you Nila. I love you and I can't wait to get out of here, whenever that day may be. 22 days till school starts and 8 day's until the 11th.
I love you Nila. Wlays Have and Always will.
Your boyfriend
P.S. this entry took me for fucking ever to write. Now I have to make page cuts... gah...
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